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i have 3 days left before i leave.
i haven't finished packing and it feels like i never will.
im having such mixed feelings about everything,
and you're one of them.
i think i need to see you before i leave.
i keep thinking about old memoriess of other summer nights.
my mind is going crazyyy,
i'm thinking about a million things at the samee timee
and i can't keep up with it.
i want to slow down time right nowww.
so much i wanna do, too little time :(
i feeel like my brain is about to burst! ah!
- Mood:
confused
so intimate can just act like strangers.
its heartbreaking.
i was driving home today for one of my last times
and i had this crazy urge to pass by your house, drag you out and just talk.
of course i probably wouldn't, but dammit it shouldn't be a crazy task.
how a year changes everything.
how apologies don't always come true.
how people are totally different than what you think.
that's really what blows. realizing that you don't know that person anymore,
and maybe never did...
and to see them everywhere and not have the same relationship anymore.
maybe i'm foolish but i believe most things can be repaired the same.
on that note, i've realized most people aren't what they seem.
more and more, i have lost hope in finding decent people.
mostly, boys, who are true. thats why i kinda dislike commited relationships at this age.
people live in these oh so happy perfect relationships that are fake.
i think cheating is one of the lowest things one can do to someone they "love",
and idc what anyone sayss, if you really did love and care, you wouldn't cheat.
i hope you find out sooon, i wish i could tell you in person, but idk if its my place.
i found out right after seeing youuu andd hopefully you do soon.
watch out for him, better yetttt, get rid of him. he treats you like a little puppy.
once a cheater, always a cheater.
i know from experience that once strong feeling are involved,
you sometimes put your standards and what you want in the backburner,
but in the end that only prolongues unhappiness.
never forget what you want and deserve from others, vice versa.
i wishh youu the best...
- Mood:
hungry - Music:peculiar people-mute math
last dayyy of school, ucf orientation anddd graduation.
i cant believe my high school career is over and i'm leaving in less than a month.
its so bittersweet. thats the perfect word for all this.
i was definetely ready to leave high school, but not so ready to leave everyone.
i'm suprised i didn't even cry at graduation! even though i did get all choked up.
going to orientation made me a little scared, i'm starting over my whole life
and i'm scaredd that i won't find such amazing people or what makes me happy!
i'm so excited though for my future, i keep dreaming of where i'll be in a few years.
how crazyyy, we're entering the adult worldd :SS haha
its all such mixed emotions but i'm not overthinking things anymore.
i just wanna see what's in store for me.
- Mood:
contemplative
disconnected from myself and things that used to make me happy and valuable.
i want a vacation. a cleansing. reinvention. new begginings.
lately, things havent been the same. i havent either.
i used to have so much fun partying and hanging out with friends.
now, everything seems to not be going the right way.
maybe its the fact that things arent the same, but we always do the same thing.
idk if that makes sense...
i hate seeing these qualities i dislike in myself.
jealousy. bitterness. depression. negativity. attachment. dependance. closed off.
ughhh, the list goes on and onnn.
sometimes i disgust myself. and i think thats why ive been distancing myself sometimes.
plus, sometimes the way you act isn't worth my getting upset.
i just want things to make me feel whole, worthy, and happy,
and everything lately has been the opposite of that.
i feel i see things differently and im tired of carrying my emotions.
i hate empty nights like this when i get sad about everything
and try to keep my own self busy from me, but my mind keeps running.
i dont always know who to run to or who will actually relate.
i always start thinking of the past and sometimes i still miss you and you.
i always want to be strong, but i never am.
i always wanna give up and run back to you or away.
i don't know anymore, i just don't know anymore.
- Mood: discontent
i havent drank in a while. ive gotten too paranoid.
cops, cops, cops everywhere.
EVERYWHEREEEEE.
being so good with your brother,
but separations within groups everytimeee is awkardd.
i think hes absolutely awesome and its awesome were just now close,
but he makes me miss you more and less at same time.
we dont talkk and its almost your birthdayyy.
peopleee we know in pines suckkk and lack personalities.
orlandooo, better not be the same ollll people.
same shit, different day.
yayayayay for the worlddddddd & bubbahh doobie :)
- Mood:
crazy
another 190+ dollars down the toilettt.
ugh im a failure.
i try to be careful and i still fail.
maybe its karma from my hit and run,
or just being a bad lying daughter all these years.
apparent even porco thinks so bc she says i like to test the waters
and am gonna be in trouble when i go away,
idk how she even knows anything but i guess shes somewhat right.
from now i needa chill ouuttt,
not that i can do much being grounded yet i still get fucked up with car shit.
ive fought to drive for so long and its only giving me problem blahh.
- Mood: disappointed
all separate events that happened within 2 weeks and fucked me over,
and on top of that i got rejected to UF so im basically the biggest screwup in life right now,
or atleast to my parents probably.
getting that rejection was kinda upsetting even though i had already expected it,
and my dad is even more dissapointed bc he had great hope
but i know its my fault bc ive slacked all 4 years of high school when i couldve done much better.
i guess this really goes out to show me i needa stop being lazy and actually care.
its also crazy bc i always looked at uf at some great escape,
but now i feel like im gonna end up going to ucf and have everything the same and you there and ughh.
i want a big difference, i wish i could go out of state...
i feel really bad, and then ive always partied and i wont give it up,
it was a crazy time to get caught with everything that was going on
and the fact that that week i had drank half of the days, more than i ever have within a span,
so it was probably timee to chill out, but this sucks.
ima about to shoot myself having to be stuck at home.
i needa refocuse though, things arent going too well like this.
i hate waking up feeling so sad and pointless.
im a cycle of emotions.
i always fool myself into thinking everything is dandyy,
but its not. its just a fabrication of time until everything hits me again.
i cant bear to be alone with my thoughts anymore, my mind never stops.
i was driving and sometimes i wish i could just keep going and going
with my music loud as possibleeee to drift away any other sounds
and drive far farrrr away into something new and magical,
where all my worries and troubles would dissapear foreverr
and that somehow... something..someone. could just pick me up and save me.
bahh ive been running into reading wayy too many fairytale novels.
miracles dont happen in real life.
"When you've hit breaking point sometimes you need to be held, and sometimes you need to talk. The odd thing is we tend to talk to the most unlikely people. We talk to strangers in the street, a kind word or a reassuring hand on our arm causes us to open up, causes all the pain to come spilling out. We talk to strangers, or to people who are not in our inner circle because we don't care and they won't judge."
-jane green
full of tears and just meaningless things.
im the disaster causing all the ugliness i see in my world.
i never wanted to be the girl who was so easily destructable
or who couldnt be happy for others unless she was herself
or who truly didnt feel like she achieved fully, leaving her unsatisfied.
my heart is a closed vessel that makes simple things to others, hard for me.
all the things i dislike, are things that reside within myself.
i question fate and luck, but at the end i can only blame myself for unhappiness.
i want to have something thats just mine and make me feel complete and infinite.
i just wanna go numb and have the storm pass,
but it never does.
"It’s like when you are excited about a (boy) and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you’re happy, too."
i love the perks of being a wallflower.
though selfish, this is true.
when i read books like this, i feel a little less crazy.
everyone is more alike than you think.
maybe im too much of a cold hearted bitch,
but i havent found anyone i trulyyy reallly reallly like since you.
maybe thats why i always go back to you but now i havent done that
and dont really plan to do so.
its becoming a problem.
i feel unlucky, but theres plenty of great guys going after me
but im not interested in any of them.
none of them really have that thing that does it for me.
& im not someone who just goes out with just anyone for a second,
honestly i dont know how people do it.
i wouldnt wanna give out any part of my heart unless its completely wholeheartedly.
& i see everyonee do it so effortlessly and franky carelessly,
and maybe i just feel a little abandoned.
im so tired of pembroke piness boyssssss.
get me outta heree.
oh mel was reading me freshmen yearbook messages and i couldnt stop laughing.
its funny how much things change and still stay the same.
i wonder if you remember this date from 2 years ago...
- Mood:
good
has been one of the most depressing yet.
i cant even describe it in words.
an angel on earth has been taken away from us,
and i dont understand why its always the good ones.
i would have never imagined this and it makes me question things.
death is clinging on to each and everyday. its so unexpected and real and unfair.
R.I.P. Kevin Garcia.
youll always be remembered and loved.
you know you touched peoples heart when you have half of the school crying,
even us that barely knew you but knew what an amazing person you were.
we can only strive to be half the soul you were,
but i guess god needed you too much up there.
<333
- Mood: sad
it was aimless driving, but it felt so freeing and incubus was on the radio =))
im a complete mess.
maybe its just one of those days where everything just feels wrong.
i feel like im in a rut. everythings the same everyday.
i want changeeee, i want new and exciting things & people.
i wish i could put words together to describe how i feel exactly
and all the millions of thoughts jumbled in my head into paper,
while fixing any errors
but i cant.
so i guess for now ill get back to reality
and having to do what i have to.
- Music:incubus
meaning i say everything thats on mind, thinking that the chance of hurting feelings is okay.
just look at my relationship with my parents. it makes me feel like a failure,
and somehow i always make it worse.
i shouldnt ever feel too comfortable, because then i somehow say too much.
but after you proving to me again and again that you are a corrupt safety net,
its time to finally let you go. im ready.
im such a fool, and a bitch, and crazy, and broken, and weak.
i dont even feel like i know who i am anymore.
sometimes i feel like i see something completly different that everyone else.
like, i wish when we spoke of our hearts tale there was never existence of pity, our own or others.
all there should be is someone to really listen and be able to relate,
without any kind of halfway feeling sorry, but just knowledge and understanding.
but theres not. it all feels fake.
i wish i could take away people pain and just hug them when they geniuenly feel bad,
but idk... were all so selfish.
- Music:chairlift
and yet ive done everything but that.
after a whole month of so much partying, i needed to lock myself up to be productive.
im so ready to get the stress of all that off my back.
i cant wait to start my journal, too bad for being a fucking perfecttionist with arts.
i just wanna dance, party, chill, talk, laugh, love, and be happy.
i just wanna be able to go to the beach and spend time with everyone for hours and hours.
i just want to learn how to surf and play the guitar and make cute gifts for people.
i just want to be able to write and draw and create and take pictures and learn fun things.
i just want to dream and write all my inspirations and have endless nights every nights.
i just want to read a good book and think about my future house and listen to the best music.
i just want to kiss cute boys and find quotes and lyrics that move me.
i just wanna continue partyinggg too much and having the time of my life with amazing people.
& not worry about shiit between all that or any stoopid responsibilities.
im starting to get scared and weak again.
and the worse thing is everytime i cry i feel like running to you,
but thats the last thing i should ever want to do bc you cant be my safety net anymore.
i broke down in tears at dinner talking about cap and gown with my parents,
and all i could say is "i feel old".
i know im not, but life is going by too fast.
and i cant get over the fact that in a few months, everythings gonna be different.
in two months, im legal. in about 7 months ill be graduating, in 9 ill be in college.
im at an emotional point, that anytime anyone refers anything to it i start tearing up.
i want to be excited again like i was in orlando,
but its difficult to see that a chapter of my life is about to end.
this is too bittersweet.
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:bout the bubble-tech n9ne =#
you would think after the course of our high school years everything has changed,
but some things never do.
i just have to try to stay up and not break down.
i have to find reasons to wakeup and be happy, because its not coming so naturally.
i hate that the sound of music can make my heart shatter while my memories are the weight upon me.
im just afraid im too weak and will break at any time.
i dont want to grow old and run out of resources to escape my heart and soul into.
i miss you a lot.
our own happiness is almost completly depedent upon others.
i just dont want to feel like theres a puzzle piece missing, i want to feel whole.
- Mood: sad
- Music:jewel
i really love the fact that everyones gonna go up theree.
i really cant wait to see you.
im watchng a lot like love,
it seems a lot like what i know.
time never seems right. time gets in the way of things.
fuck time.
in the end we always keep going back to the one we really want.
who knows if its ever too late.
fucking drugggg test mananaaa. fucking hoorayy.
i think you must miss me a little bit or atleast think about me.
i just wanna see how long itll take for you to talk to me again.
and maybee this time when youll apologize,
youll stick to it.
but i have a feeling you will regret this... again.
meanwhile, im a seniorrrrr & i dont give a fuhhhh lamooo
<333
- Mood:
tired
ahh lj,
so many of my entries have been private latelyy
i have so much to catch you up on lolll
just no timeee.
its all spent procrastinating.
i cried today and 2 days ago over people leaving.
ive turned into such a crybaby.
im going back to elementary and middle school
where i used to cry on the last days of school =(
i dont wanna end up crying tommorow in our lovely art class
or in the middle of signing peoples yearbook.
i love that class wayy too much.
THIS FUCKING BLOWS. i hate goodbyes.
- Mood: sad
You know I trust you.
We'll do all the things that you've dreamed to do
If you'd just let go
If you'd let your heart go... <3
This reminded me of youuu.
i feel like it was a breakthrough.
id love for all this time, that things would finally come together
and i feel like now itd actually work because time has made us both a little more mature.
im not gonna lie, im soso scared too, but i think you are wayy more than me.
out of all those things that night, the thing i dont regret is that part with you bc it made you think.
i finally said a lot of the things ive been meaning to tell you,
and i guess i lied before, i was not fine and it still bothers me.
I really wishhh...
oh nevermind.
i dont know if this little time of you thinking is good or not,
but its all in your hands now, i think ive done my part finally.
<333
- Mood:
okay
IM NEVER DRINKING SO MUCH AGAIN
IM NEVER DRINKINGSO MUCH AGAIN
AND I CAN NOT FUCKING DRINK TONIGHTT AGAIN
ewww i feel like dyinggggg right now
andddd i have a fucking bump on the side of my head that hurts like a bitchh
thanksssss to my awesome drunken balance abilities.
oh but ily guyss! its gonna suck when all of you leave
only 3 more monthss =(((
oh i love long amazing weekends
but i hate workk
and effin school thats gonna ruin everythtuigngnd
and myyy lifee thanks to my grades that are def not good =(
i wanna play soccer with the boyss agaiinnn!
oh
1. youree cutiee.
2. aw youre such a koo kidd =))).
3.. WHERE HAVE YOU BEENN =/? did you fuckingg diee? kidnapped? raped AGAIN?
4.. oh but im doing finee without youu, really really.
5. & you & youuuu.
6. damnnn have you changeddd and i had a dream with you the other day off that act you do of picking people over others.
7. too bad youre so blind to it.
8. i think im ok with being ok with you again.
9. haha woww even they sayy you guys are never happpy! try cutting the dramaa.
10. you guys are awesomeeeee! & youuu guys too =)))
11. youre starting to pull the same crapppppp as her! please dontt!
12. wtfff? youre seriously still mad? and over that? SERIOUSLY? wayyy to go from a sweetheart to a doucheeeee.
13. awkarddddd.
14. ily guyss! its gonna be weird next year when im not theree with all of youuu =(.
ahh my heads pounding and theyre coming overr!
peaceee<333
- Music:whiskey&wine- 311 <33333
